Parking Lot sign: Remember what the valet who parked your car looks like because we do not have valet parking.
How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.
To get rid of unwanted junk during the holidays, put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.
Interviewer: “So tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not, I kinda want the job.”
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
When I say “the other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I don’t mean to interrupt people; I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
When I ask directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
If you answer the phone with, “Hello, you’re on the air!” most telemarketers hang up.
Contributed by Jane Hart