Humor

Courtroom Humor from Simone Thornber

These are from a book called "Disorder in Court" and are things people actually said, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the responsibility of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________
 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________
   
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
    
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________
    
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________
    
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________
    
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
______________________________
    
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________
    
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________
    
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________
    
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant  to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________
  
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you  performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________
    
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________
    
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________
    
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar..
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 

From George O. Thompson via Jane Hart

We older people need to learn something new every day... just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did "Piss Poor" come from?

Interesting History.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot. And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery... if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot... They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500's:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs— thick straw—piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme:

“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer”.

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

So get out there and educate someone!

Share these facts with a friend.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

We'll be friends until we are old and senile.

Then we'll be new friends.

Smile, it gives your face something to do!

For those who read French: Amusons nous avec notre belle langue

> > > > Cette dictée est incroyable mais vraie. Ne manquez pas de la lire, c'est surprenant. On dira après que le français n'est pas compliqué ! Ce petit texte, que je vous laisse savourer est une dictée trouvée dans un vieil almanach :

> > > >  "Monsieur Lamère a épousé Mademoiselle Lepère. De ce mariage, est né un fils aux yeux pers*. (*pers = entre vert et bleu). Monsieur est le père, Madame est la mère. Les deux font la paire. Le père, quoique père, est resté Lamère, mais la mère, avant d'être Lamère était Lepère.

> > > > Le père est donc le père sans être Lepère, puisqu'il est Lamère et la mère est Lamère, bien que née Lepère. Aucun des deux n'est maire. N'étant ni le maire ni la mère, le père ne commet donc pas d'impair en signant Lamère.
> > > > Le fils aux yeux pers de Lepère deviendra maire. Il sera le maire Lamère, aux yeux pers, fils de Monsieur Lamère, son père, et de Mademoiselle Lepère, sa mère.
> > > > La mère du maire meurt et Lamère, père du maire, la perd.  Aux obsèques, le père de la mère du maire, le grand-père Lepère, vient du bord de mer et marche de pair avec le maire Lamère, son petit-fils. Les amis du maire, venus pour la mère, cherchent les Lamère, ne trouvent que le maire et Lepère, père de la mère du maire, venu de la mer, et chacun s'y perd !" 

Excellent pour l'exercice de mémoire et vos méninges !

> > > > Dommage que beaucoup de ces verbes soient tombés dans l’oubli.

> > > > Le chien aboie quand le cheval hennit et que beugle le bœuf et meugle la vache.

> > > > L'hirondelle gazouille, la colombe roucoule et le pinson ramage.

> > > > Les moineaux piaillent, le faisan et l'oie criaillent quand le dindon glousse.

> > > > La grenouille coasse mais le corbeau croasse et la pie jacasse.

> > > > Et le chat comme le tigre miaule, l'éléphant barrit, l'âne braie, mais le cerf rait.

> > > > Le mouton bêle évidemment et bourdonne l'abeille.

> > > > La biche brame quand le loup hurle.

> > > > Tu sais, bien sûr, tous ces cris-là mais sais-tu ?...  

> > > > Que si le canard nasille, les canards nasillardent,

> > > > Que le bouc ou la chèvre chevrote,

> > > > Que le hibou hulule mais que la chouette, elle, chuinte, 

> > > > Que le paon braille, que l'aigle trompète.  

> > > > Sais-tu ?  

> > > > Que si la tourterelle roucoule, le ramier caracoule et que la bécasse croule, que la perdrix cacabe, que la cigogne craquette et que si le corbeau croasse, la corneille corbine et que le lapin glapit quand le lièvre vagit.  du verbe vaginer   

> > > > Tu sais tout cela ? Bien.

> > > > Mais sais-tu ?  

> > > > Que l'alouette grisolle ?

> > > > Tu ne le savais pas. Et, peut-être, ne sais-tu pas davantage que le pivert picasse.   C'est excusable !

> > > > Ou que le sanglier grommelle, que le chameau blatère  

> > > > Et que c'est à cause du chameau que l'on déblatère !  

> > > > Tu ne sais pas non plus peut-être que la huppe pupule

> > > > Et je ne sais pas non plus si on l'appelle en Limousin la pépue parce qu'elle pupule ou parce qu'elle fait son nid avec de la chose qui pue. Qu'importe ! 

> > > > Mais c'est joli : la huppe pupule !

> > > > Et encore sais-tu   que la souris, la petite souris grise : devine ?   La petite souris grise chicote !   Avoue qu'il serait dommage d'ignorer que la souris chicote et plus dommage encore de ne pas savoir, que le geai cajole !"

> > > > Et que l’homme picole !

From Simone Thornber

A paraprosdokian is a sentence or statement with an unexpected ending. It means “against expectations” in Greek.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. 

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?There’s no menu - you get what you deserve. 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any. 

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe. 

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.  I lost my case. 

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind. 

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin. 

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!” 

Need an ark? I Noah guy. 

You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example. 

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay. 

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. 

To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero. Thanks for nothing! 

Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”   Dad: "No sun.”

From Jane Hart via Barbara Bruno.

HERE’S HOW BAD INFLATION IS:

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by pirates.

Thanks to Jane Hart via Sally Kellock for sending these.

Contemplations of a Senior Citizen

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there.

  • Sorry I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

  • Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate?"

  • I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

  • Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I'm still alive.

  • As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of – it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Thanks to Jane Hart via Sally Kellock for this.

Fodder for Lexophiles

  • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

  • How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

  • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

  • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

  • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

  • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

  • Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

Thanks to Sally Kellock for sending this.

More Humor on Aging from Simone Thornber

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers

"We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller

"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner

From Simone on Increasing Years

"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci “

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir

"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson

Working with Words

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't
hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --mainly because it was a sew-sew job, and people liked to hem and haw about the price.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, But any way I sliced it.... I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

Thanks to Barbara Bruno for sending these.

Back When Insults Had Class

Glorious insults from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words ...

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

“He had delusions of adequacy ."

Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. "

Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx

Thanks to Sally Kellock for sending them.

© Kendal on Hudson Residents Association 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022 all rights reserved.  Please do not reproduce without permission.

Photographs of life at Kendal on Hudson are by residents.